Today I learned that I am an idealist.

A hopeless idealist powerless to change the world.

"If you scratch the surface of a cynic you’ll find a disillusioned idealist underneath."

I am so blessed.

My husband and I aren't perfect.  We each have our own flaws, and I'm sure for every complaint I have about him he has one for me.  But at the end of the day, we're perfect for each other and we love each other no matter what.

Some couples like to pretend they have it perfect, like they've cracked some secret puzzle every other couple in the universe is still trying to figure out -- but what David and I have is real, and we don't need to impress other people or try to convince anyone of anything.  We know it's true.  As true as the sun rises day to day, and the moon shines over the earth.  We argue, bicker, sometimes we disagree and don't understand one another.  But we are both wholly imperfect and crudely human, and every single day we learn more about each other and how to get along.  Who knows, maybe some couples really have it all figured out.  It doesn't matter, because the love he and I share for one another is as powerful as a gust of wind that rocks the earth.  It can move boulders, pull even the oldest tree from its roots, cause water to ripple and churn.  Even when we're apart, it feels like hot lava coursing through my veins and throughout my entire system.  Together, we can achieve anything.

When we're apart, we both know.  We are both whole people but distance makes us feel as though we have been robbed of some essential part of our identity.  We miss each other, think of one another, and although it hurts we have faith that we will be together soon.  That is true love.

David Michael, you are my everything and I love you with every fiber of my being.  I love you for all you are, and all you are not.  I love you for who you will become, who you were, and in spite of all your faults.  I love those too, and I wouldn't change a thing.  I love you for you.

jerk when hungry

You know those Snickers and Twix commercials (I could be wrong) where old women are being divas, and after they eat something they turn back into men?

That's my husband exactly.

When he's hungry or hasn't eaten, he's a big fat jerk.  He's cranky, impatient, bitchy, irritable, and just so annoying.  Even if I cooked something or there's food to eat, if he doesn't like it/want it he'll expect me to cook something else.  He can't be counted on to prepare his own food unless it's something like pizza rolls.

Tonight he came home and decided he didn't like what I cooked, so he announced that he was hungry and took the dogs for a walk.  I could have just let him starve, but instead I cooked something else.  When I say cook I don't mean like spam or eggs, I mean I actually chop up ingredients and mix spices and things like that and it sometimes takes me 1-2 hours.  He got home, saw what I cooked, sighed, and decided he'd rather mop up our kitchen floor instead of eating.

I love this man, but there are times when I really just want to punch him in the face.

The other day we went grocery shopping, and I asked him what he wanted to eat/for me to cook, and if he wanted anything.  Being impatient, he told me no, and to "cook anything". I shrugged, bought my healthy/diet food, and we shopped alone since he can't stand being in grocery stores for some reason.

When I cook, I usually cook enough for around 2-3 days.  The problem is, my husband refuses to eat leftovers--he wont even eat the same thing twice in a day.  I refuse to cook 433839393 times a day too.

Also, when I look for healthy food (since I am trying to eat healthier) a lot of it is gone.  He eats all my bread, cheese, fruit, yogurt, etc when there's "nothing to eat".  It pisses me off.

Sometimes I fantasize about just letting him starve.  Maybe he'll be more appreciative when someone cooks for him!

Sorry for the rant, I am really pissed off.  =/

Damn!

Long time no post.  Not much to talk about really.

- I've been weightlifting for over three months now.

- My husband received orders to Japan, which was actually not one of the locations I wanted.  I'm trying to be positive regardless.

- I've been writing a lot--not so much personal blogging, but creative stuff.

- I don't shop anymore.  I have very little interest in make-up, shoes, or purses these days.

- I don't really feel like the same person and even though I'm not proud of the things I've done in the past, I'm trying to become a better person each and every day.

Less crazy.

Wow!  My last post was all over the place.

Now that I'm not hungover and my mood is more stable, it's a good time to blog.  I've been getting emails from Google Domains about renewing Makeup Diary.  I decided that I will just because I do eventually seeing myself updating it again.  What I do want to do, however, is start and focus on another type of blog altogether.

I want to take personal blogging more seriously, and emphasize on my life as a military spouse.  My husband just told me where we might potentially be going (we narrowed it down to one location, and he's already submitted his request) and I couldn't be happier about starting fresh.

My husband and I are excited to find out when and where we'll be living.  I'm so happy.

Very stressful month

Last month my husband returned from his eight month deployment.  Two weeks ago he deployed again.  I just found out that we are moving, but we don't know where.  I don't even know when.  Emails have also slowed down a little--I suspect due to safety/security due to their location.

I have been lonely since I left my job in January, and lately stressed because my husband is away and because the dog he got has been horrible.  He destroyed expensive eyeglasses, essential wires, furniture...  He has practically ruined the carpet.  He is getting better but his mistakes have cost us a lot of money.

Today I found out my dad is in the hospital, but it's nothing too serious (I hope).  He has gout and I guess he ate something bad, so his ankle swelled up and he can't walk.

I also had a "drama scare" with a distant friend.  Not to mention drama from an ex friend.  And I am also recovering from my first ever hangover (admittedly this was my fault).

I know this post makes no sense and is just me rambling, but my thoughts are everywhere and my emotions are unstable.  I feel very stressed and on edge.

I can't think.  I'm dizzy and my head spins when I move too quickly.  Light is painful.  My head hurts.  I feel emotionally unstable.  I feel nauseous and sick.

This has just thrown our plans out of the window too.  I was planning on getting a part-time job in the Summer, and then going back to school for Fall 2012.  Now I have to put my life on hold to prepare for a move to only God knows where, and probably by myself since my husband will probably be underway/deployed most of the time.

I just feel like blowing up.

So frustrated.

I don't know what's so hard about STICKING to a damn budget.  When it's just me, we save SO much money.  When he's here, he just keeps spending spending spending.  It's like he doesn't think about it.

Ugh.